Mattie and Pedro

Today was rather difficult than expected. Woke up to a vivid dream of you and me together. You came to me wanting to talk. You pulled me away from a sweet conversation with me and one of my closest friends and this some guy I liked. At first I was in shock. I wanted to say no because I wanted to make you feel it hasn't been easy for me this whole time. And now that I'm finally moving on, you would come to me and ruin a great moment I have been praying for months now. I wanted to let you go and start anew. Eventually, I gave in which was somehow predictable. I've never said no to you. You circled your sturdy arms around me and I felt the warmth of your embrace. You were crying and you had a difficult time dealing with the fact that I haven't been around. It was different because I felt the sincerity of your words. You wanted me to stay. And I held on too tight because I didn't want to leave either. But at the back of my mind, I was still in this constant debacle - how can I stay if you yourself are not even ready to have all of me. The dream went on... I let go and stood beside you and I held your hand. Our fingers intertwined. And it felt wonderful. Then we walked toward a mini-forest we used to hang out back in my elementary days. There were others in the background but I couldn't see their faces. I only see you behind the trunks of those mini trees. We were both smiling. We were happy. I came closer and asked if I could still call you that name I used to call you. You said no. And that it doesn't make any sense, us being two different cartoon characters from two different shows. I get it. They didn't have connection and that we do. You said we are like Mattie and Pedro and I somehow assumed it was something I didn't watch or even heard of but it seemed to me we were special like them. And that there's a we. My heart felt contentment. And it ended there. But I know I only see you in my dreams as that person I wanted you to be. That Pedro in my dreams loves me. But you didn't... To be continued...

MPS

Stress is a word too broad to define and I am pretty sure every one of us has different things to say about it. Some, including myself, might refer to stress as either the happy type or the one that breaks you into pieces. We stress out about a lot of things, and sometimes even if it’s something meant to be ignored, our minds are still actively fussing about it. Stress, however, if not managed well, may lead to discomfort. One of which is what I am about to share to you. If you have experienced the following symptoms: deep aching pain in a muscle, pain that persists or worsens, a tender knot in a muscle, difficulty sleeping due to pain, you might be experiencing what medical professionals call as Myofascial pain syndrome (MPS). Yes, muscle pain especially in the lower and upper back might be a result of some physical or emotional stress. Myofascial pain syndrome, also known as chronic myofascial pain (CMP), is a syndrome characterized by chronic pain caused by multiple trigger points and fascial constrictions. Myofascial pain can occur in distinct, isolated areas of the body. More generally speaking, the muscular pain is steady, aching, and deep. Depending on the case and location the intensity can range from mild discomfort to excruciating and "lightning-like". The pain does not resolve on its own, even after typical first-aid self-care such as ice, heat, and rest. Systematic disease (one that affects a number of organs and tissues, or affects the body as a whole), poor posture, and emotional disturbance might trigger MPS, although its precise causes have not yet been fully understood. Treatment for MPS includes medications such as pain relievers, antidepressants, and sedatives. Physical therapy is one procedure most helpful in alleviating muscle pain. It may involve stretching, massage, heat application, and ultrasound. Needle procedures are another way of treatment. One’s lifestyle should also be definitely watched out for. Regular exercise, relaxation such as meditation, or going out with friends, and taking care of your body through a healthy diet and by getting enough rest and sleep would make it easier for you to concentrate on coping with the pain. Muscle tension pain may be experienced by everyone. Having a chronic pain condition such as MPS can be frustrating. It is still best to seek help from a professional. Schedule an appointment with your general physician so he could refer you to a specialist, usually an orthopedic surgeon, or a psychiatrist. To be continued… Sources: Wikipedia, mayoclinic.com

Trough

I am not going to lie, every single day is a struggle. There are moments when I feel giving up is the only option but it isn't that easy, as well. That is why even though it's hard, pretending that you are okay is the only give away. I am still fighting for it, you know. Even if I know I have no dibs on anyone or anything, I still fight. Because, somehow fighting is the only way to keep me sane. I am not ready to let go, although maybe I really have to now. I just can't. Not now. Not today.

Rainy Days

I recently quit my job. In the next couple of days or weeks or months, for sure things will be a whole lot different. But this is the exact definition of life. It is all about change; nothing permanent. I can talk all day about how I feel and you would understand how bent and broken I am but none of that matters. In my 27 years of existence, I learned that starting a new chapter of your life does not always include a graceful posse and you feel all guarded and secure- that you know where you are headed to. Mostly, moving on means you are on your own now and the road you are about to traverse can either be too narrow or too wide for you. I don't know what mine is going to be but the one thing that I am sure of is that I left my old world because it has become too minuscule for me. I may have had a momentary tiff with myself whether I did what is best for me. But... How do you know what is "best" anyway?

Guilty...

Yes, make it stop.. Puhleaaaase...

:( Sometimes it gets tiring... Really...

I remember you, Cyn.. :.(

*sigh*

So Charlie...

Just Go

I walk through the shadows
And jump from stone to stone
I cross the sad river
When will I get home?

Come dusk greet the meadow
While skyline slowly fades
And breeze start to whisper
"It's cold and cozy coz you are almost home".

It's been awhile walking
You're more impatient yet so hopeful
I see twilight slowly showing
Oh how I long to be home.

I kept my steps going
And my heart heard a sound
It is familiar and magical
I knew then I am home...

Another day...

Everyone's talking about heading home for the summer. Thania, Kate, even Tonton will be homebound. Huhuhu. It's this nostalgic feeling again. Kalisod man gud mag-leave oi. There has to be some leave slots, you have to file it pa. And I don't have the courage to demand leave requests from my boss... A few months more... What also scares me is I might lose the will of coming back and leaving home again when I'm there. Home is where the heart is. True... However, I 've been thinking of what my life is when I'm in Valencia, it could be just so plain and simple. It's not what I want at this point of my life. I want to travel, I want to be a stranger, I want complications, I want to try something all new to me and all so different from the norms of my life. Maybe we'll get there, I will get there, in fact I'm starting to feel I am.

Just a thought..

I'm human, I have flaws and I'm pretty much aware of that. And sometimes, my stubborness controls me. I do what I want. I go where I think I should go. I feel what I feel.

And then later, I'd feel bad. That's when you see it, and you feel it as well. I don't want to hate the person because I feel guilty if I do so. I'm just upset. I think I shouldn't have given much effort, anyway. I feel betrayed! That is why I have my own share of biases. It's because of what people are sometimes - humanly human!( Kung kinsa ang gai-expect nga tarong, mao pa ang naay AP).

"For every single soul we encounter, we don't know who stays. Neither do we know which memories we would want to go back over and over again when we get to where we are heading. Not all seen by the naked eyes are real. And for a fact, not all smiles are sincere. Not all handshakes are friendly. The world, aside from black and white, has red, blue and purples hues. Of course, we all know this. I know this pretty well. But it's different when it's all right in front of you".

It's okay, I'm still blessed by the people I am with right now (unlike some from the past).

"Threat in all beauty"

Some flowers die not in their full bloom
Whose pale leaves wither their way alone
Like eagles slowing their pace down
Come winter kiss the ground...

Some smiles fade so easily to frowns
When you are just in time to return a laugh
Or when they choose to turn away
When a handshake is a hello to say...

Some lie down for a good night's rest
And only to wake up for a nightmare
Some live in their castle grand
Sheltered yet lonely, alone and oh so weary...

It's like those waves in the oceans
Which could bring you thrill and excitement
Yet when it splashes on you
You feel so sick and dizzy
You hang your way on for survival
As it tosses you to and fro, you wish you had been more careful...

Because we all see beauty
But stop...
We could be up for irony!

"When you know it"

When a smirk is at the corner of your mouth
And that smirk slowly gives a twinkle in the eye
When that twinkle starts to be an obvious smile
When that smile becomes a joyful laugh
When those laughs conquer those sobs kept to yourself alone
When those sobs fade away and glow a bright aura
What else could it be?

It is sweet melody that even the saddest song is made an inspiration
A flat note perceived to be the perfect key
When you find it lovelier to sing than hum
When a choral symphony becomes less complicated than a nursery rhyme
Could that be it?

When leaves start kissing the grounds
Yet you could still see flowers springing around
When flocks of birds start migrating
Yet butterflies seem to hover
Then what could that be?

When your world comes crashing down
When you were breaking apart into pieces
Then a sudden saving moment startles you
Inevitable but timely...
Unexpected...
Uninvited...
Yet hopefully wondrous!!!
And then you know... You just know...It is what it is... Love is...

It's unprofessional work

I Don’t See Me

I am lonely, I am troubled
I am thirsty all over
I look at me but I don’t see through
I see some stranger...
I have bruises,
They make me uncomfortable
I have easy cuts,
And it is painful
How I wish life was easier!
Like an eagle I could fly Bukidnon skies,
Or a fish I could swim Camiguin seas,
Or a free butterfly hovering over sampaguitas…
But ironically. I am just me- a struggling survivor,
Washed away from a shipwreck,
I have lived... but weak and torn,
Covered but unclothed…
My eyes, they are staring blank,
I can speak but unable to,
I am restless and weary,
I feel hollow and empty,
I am safe but damn tired…
It becomes harder to recognize her
And all because I see someone else... I see a stranger.